The sketch opens with Neil Diamond talking to an audience about his songs. After some harmless banter with his bass
player, the chords to "Sweet Caroline" start. Neil reveals to the crowd how this popular love song came about:
Neil: "Thank you. That, of course, is "Sweet Caroline". I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and
I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving.."
Gary (bass player): [worried] "Oh, I can't believe you're gonna tell this story.."
Neil: "Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [the crowd reacts with
stunned silence.] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And two hours later, I wrote
"Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.
The crowd tries to applaud, but is
stunned at the story. Neil follows it up with more revelations.
Neil: "It gets crazy on the road, and awful
lonely. That's why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely legal pornography. Gary knows
what I'm talking about.
Gary: "Yeah, he likes that realy weird porno you can't send through the mail. I'll be honest, it ain't
cool. It creaps out the band."
Neil: Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [intro
to "Cracklin' Rosie"] Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on board. We're gonna ride 'til there ain't no more to go. We're takin' it slow.
Let's all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard!"
Next, Neil writes about his song
of peace and unity, "America":
Neil: "This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled
creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [intro to "America"] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate
foreigners. Right, Gary?"
Gary: "Leave me out of this, man."
Neil: "NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!!
[pause, then back to the story] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with
dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They're coming to America. Never looking back again. Just
do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he's black! Never had the courage to tell him so."
his band members start telling him to shut up, Neil screams at them:
Neil: "I'll smack you in the mouth,
I'm Neil Diamond!"
As the crowd and his band starts to leave, Neil tries to get them to stay:
"Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection."