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Bill Brasky
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This is taken from a Saturday Night Live sketch. Some drunks sit around and talk loudly about thier old friend Bill Brasky.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was a contestant on the Wheel of Fortune? It was his turn so he spun the wheel. Of course, Brasky being Brasky, he spun it so hard that it came of its moorings, decapitated Pat Sajak and slammed through the wall into the set of the Price is Right. Brasky walked through the hole in the wall and Bob Barker proceeded to lecture him on spaying and neutering his pets. Well, Brasky had enough of that and picked up Bob Barker and compressed him between his palms until he was small enough to fit on the Plinko board. And I'll be damned if he didn't win $10000 and a new Cadillac!"

"A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"His cover version of Limp Bizkit's "My Way" appeared on the soundtrack for "Titanic". The pope himself thought the song crackled with energy but he didn't like the sound of burning preschoolers in the background!"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

Brasky would put on a white tie & tails & walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly & taught it to fetch & dial a phone. Then one day it bit the maid, so with tears in his eyes Brasky had to shoot the maid.

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese."

"He had a pet cobra named Beverly that he taught to fetch and to dial a phone."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"He sired a baseball team... an orchestra if you count the bastards!"

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives... except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sautéed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breast feeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks the Iron Man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a hand job to a manta ray."

"He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!"

"Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl. Well, Brasky shows up... and you know he's a big fella.... goes about 7'8", 530. Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!"

"He's a hell of a salesman!"

"Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?"

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!".... And he is blind to this day!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky sold me into slavery? Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Brasky, he's back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!"

"I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!"

"Best damn salesman in the office!"

"Best damn trader on the Bull Market!"

"Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!"

"Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady."

"Best damn snowmobile salesman there ever was!"

"He uses Old Spice after shave as nasal spray!"

"He fashions graven images from frozen sea water!"

"He brushes his teeth with a meat cleaver and rock salt!"

"This one time, Brasky burned a CD with nothing but the sounds of his bowel movements and the screams of his man-servants. It went triple platinum within the month."

"He owns the PAX network."

"He thought "The Princess Diaries" was both "charming" and "sweet depiction of one girl's emergence from youth into womanhood"."

"He made Styx BITE IT!"

"They say he bleeds peppermint vodka."

"Did I ever tell ya about the time that Brasky and I took a hot air balloon trip over Los Angeles? Brasky brings an atomic bomb and drops it on the city! Then, he looks at me and says, 'It would have happened sooner or later.'"

"The movie "Deliverance" was based on Brasky's experiences as a kindergarden teacher."

"His memoirs are tattooed on Ruth Buzzi!"

"He's producing Battlefield Earth 2!"

"He receives radio messages from Mars on his scrotum!"

"His big toe is holding up Australia!"

"He took The Blair Witch to his senior prom!"

"He makes N'Sync keep Chris!"

"He invented 'The Cleveland Steamer'!"

"Most people don't know this, but Bill Brasky has children! This one time, he was banging a hooker and wouldn't ya know it, his semen shoots straight through her tailbone, up through the ceiling and into the sky where it hit a plane! Nine months later, every woman on that plane had Brasky's children! When they tried to get child support... he paid it every month."

"His pubic hair was woven into the Sir Lankan flag!"

"His favorite actor is Greg Kinnear!"

"His middle name is Julian!"

"He uses live elk for toilet paper!"

"Did I ever tell you boys about the time that Bill Brasky wanted a World Series ring? Wouldn't ya know it, but Brasky kills the entire starting lineup of the 1998 New York Yankees! All except Clay Bellinger. They beat The Atlanta Braves in four games. Brasky was the MVP."

"He pisses farm fresh orange juice!"

"He makes his grandchildren call him 'The Anal Astrologist'."

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"Bill Brasky is a Son of a Bitch!"